My truth that no one belives in...

-I wanna find a place to hide in, so i can speak out what i feel. I dont feel that this world will belive me when i tell the truth.
Dont you understand that not being belived hurts so much. Specially when i dont lie.
I wanna cry and cry until i have no more to cry, i want to dissepeare.
I really want to die, and im really thinking bout it, if i dont get rid of this "chains" im wearing now, then i have to find a way to go to neverland.
Iguess neverlands the only place im accepted in as who i am... Being belived...

I feel good one time, and then i feel such anxiety the other time. Theese feelings are going as a rollercoaster inside of my heart every day every houer 24-7...
Anxiety; a feeling where you feel that you cant breath, your heart feels like its strangled by a wire.
You feel panic attacks, and find no reason to live...Anxiety....

I have no further lust to eat, one time i feel to eat, then i suddenly are disgusted to food, i dont wanna see food, and i starve my self for days, then i eat something littlebit after 3-4 days. Then i dont eat again in a while.
I have IBD; Inflammatory Bowel Disease and that was very ugly when i got it. I was 2 weeks from death, becouse of too little blood in my system. That was 2011 January... If i start to bleed again, its done i will not find my self to a hospital more, i have no lust i dont have no inspiration to wanna live more.
I cant go just killing my self, becouse i have no gun and i dont belive in suicide. But if i start to bleed, i will take that chanse to keep bleeding until i emptyed my self on blood...

I am not bitter no i am not, i am just so sad, i dont know when i was this sad last time, sometimes im happy at days, then i get so sad and cry like a baby, just like that, and iknow why i do that.
iguess this is the only place i can write on, where i can be belived, becouse this blog is ME, i tell always the solid truth how i feel here.
If i wasent honest with what i feel, why then i would feel anxiety, depressions and death wishes at the same time? I just dont know why i would feel that if i dident meen it, meen it when it comes to what i offered and said.
i only asked for one single chanse to make it all up to right level, and iknow i would do it, but i cant dance tango alone, you need to want that too, and iknow you want that but your friends have such damn influence on you that you listen to them more then me, you are too scared to say what you feel and stand for that just becouse your friends told you something else. Is it so important to be "one of the gang"? Are you so scared to be alone that you let your friends decide things for you, then when you are alone your so sweet beautiful kind wonderful and telling me that you love me, but then when they come you become so arrogant and mocking me with laughs I never did that to you, never and rejecting me when iknow that you really dont want that. Your a double face and you let your self be that .... Just so you can fit among your friends...

I feel so sad for you when i heare all this thing you doing, this double face thing, i dont get angry even that you mocking me, i pity you becouse i care so much for you and im so sad for that you aint stronger then i thought...

I wanna live happy, i wanna lye in the coutch holding hands with someone, watching a movie, she lying on my chest with her fingers linguerred in mine. i just need that i miss that, and not even that i get.
I have a really good friend in the states who told me im a hopeless romantic guy, i never saw me that way, shes so sweet, and so kind and she belives in me... I just havent have time to be social, or i havent have that efford to be that to anyone lately... I feel i am done, i feel i am lost. I wanna move on but im turning my head all the time behind me just to see back and just hope she stands there smiling at me and waving...
I dont give up on the one i love never. Even that she made me so angry that i left, i still dident leave, if she say that she knows me, then she would have known me this time too, o always return.
She spoke words like; "i never stop loving you no matter what" and "this isnt over for me even if its for you" those words are as a forreign country in her now, why she said all that if she dident meen it? She say that she never lie, but that was a lie... If i stand infront of you giving my self to you in a better wrapped box then befre, then why you dont take it if you preach bout how you love me? I gave you a better prototype to be with and i gave you life guarranty on that, but still you are so arrogant mocking me laughing at me being so tough among your so called friends. Your not bitter, your just trying to be something you can never be. our not genuin person if you behave like that.
And i dont like that at all, its a side of you i hate, i feel so sad and helpless.

I just need someone to be with, to lye in bed talking giggling smiling kissing dreaming with, holding hands, making love. Walking among the stars hand in hand, lying in the sofa with linguered fingers...
I miss the intimacy with a woman, and she was so perfect for me, now im lost...
I wanna have a sweet kind beautiful woman who gives me the world as i give her. Who gives me that smile i give her. I wanna be there when shes sick, taking care of her, caressing her, listenning to her. Talking to her.
I wanna talk to her for houers, drink wine or beer with candles litted. just this intimacy to a woman whos my best friend, my lover, my mistress, my wife, my everything, my whole compleate world...
I need that, and now there is no one who can give me that intimacy... Im so sad and lost...
I wanna be romantic becouse i see the joy in her eyes when she feels that she saw a part of my heart that was burning for her thrue my words off kindness and tenderness, that gives me so much and thats why i love being romantic.

I have so much love to give, but not ever being belived, that tears my love and my patience apart, i never did wrong to her, but still it all went to hell.
Its allmost like she wanted to make me so angry that i drop her eventually, the longer thetime went and her arrive at home, she made me more and more angry, it feels like she wanted me to breake up so she can go spotless from this relation and be a martyr. But deep down she wanted be single when she arrives home, maybe becouse she already had a guy there that she never told me, or that she was interrested in someone there that shes hoping to be with, becouse why else she behaved and behaves like she do?
I gave her a chanse to come back i even gave her time to heale up to 6 months without me talking a dipp to her, just if i got a answer of YESto a second chanse, i dont wanna lie 6 months not knowing what she wants a no or yes, i cant have it this way 6 months, if i got a yes then i can atleast live on that and O H  M Y  G O D how happy i would be... But no i never got an answer from her.
She wants me and she dont, i belive that she really do want me but she loves her friwnds more and listens to them more then my truth of a word or her heart...

Iguess i am a looser, but hell no i never were a player or a user fuck no, dont throw lies in my face just so you can have something to say.
And dont accuse my cousin for user too, she cared so much for you, shame on you, shes one of the most sweetest persons there is, over and out. Yes i do protect her when shes treated bad, she deserves all happyness, shes always there for me and thats why i love her so. So dont paint her black when you drove me to the edge.
Your not innocent, me neither, we both owe us a explenation and a second chanse, the sun dont cirkle around you, it cirkles around the earth, dont be so egoistic and think you never do wrong ever.

I dont lie i dont cheet, even if i did that in my past life once, i changed i became mature, now no i never could cheet i grew up from a boy to a man. But you, you dont wanna grow up, your so immature sometimes and so mature some other times. Iguess yor so insecure inside of your self, you will never achieve anything by being insecure. I suggest you fix your self and grow up. Your a mother, dont go around drinking your childrens childhood away, my mother did that, i forgive her. You told me your a good mum, but you showing that you are no better then my mother was. So sad... I really love your daughter i do. Dont treat her as my mum did, or i will be angry, be a grown up be a good mother please... Do you give her alcohol too??? I think so, you dont care bout your kids when you drink away the nights. Dont be a martyr when you pushed me away many times and lied to me and mocked me, you fucking bully...

I just need to find peace, i just need to have intimacy, i just need you...

truth and nothing but the truth i did write now. If you dont belive me, then welcome your one of them all.

Love you still even that you are hard to be with i still choose to be with you and face those hard times just coz i love who you TRULY  are...

/Michael J