I remember that day when the photographer came home to me, i was not happy, i never wanted that photo to be taken. My mother thought it would be nice to have a photo picture of his youngest child.
When i see my eyes, i still feel the pain, those eyes tells me that i was not happy. But what can a young boy do... Nothing....
It has been like that ever since, with my family that will say. My sister thinks i am a rasist fool who dont teach my children Finnish, i dont see that necessary. Becouse Finnish language is not an important language to be taught.
Am i stupid who dont find me attractive, or handsome or goodlooking? When you tell me i am all that, it gives me goosebombs and freakens me out, in bad way ofcourse.
I never saw me all that i just said, never. When a person sayes that, i can laugh that away and change subject fast. But if my girlfriend sayes that, i cant change subject, that feeling that i have when i hear that gives it another turn out, i am being pissed of mad. I dont know why, only that it feels like a lie, i never saw my self anything else then a hopeless looser who is nothing more then unattractive and very ugly. And why cant people see what i see in the mirror? If i see a beautiful person, people agree with me, why cant then same people agree when i say i am not all that stuf that are so wonderful?
Does people say things to me only so they dont think i think that they pity me? Or does they say that just to make me happy?
I think it would be very nice if someone just told me i am ugly, i never heard anyone say that. Either they change the subject if i ever ask what they think of me, or they just say that i look good, but there eyes sayes something else, like they are forced to say nice stuf to me, even if they really dont want to say.
Tell me i am anything of that i sayed, and i want to cry, not of happyness, i wanna cry becouse all i heare is a lie.
It hurts, it feels so painful to heare that.
I am not handsome or goodlooking, ever will i be. But please, dont tell me lies.
I just wanna sit in a dark room, watching movies by my own, shut down my computer and mobile.
Maybe cry, or just sit quiet, houers. Its not fun to be ugly, when all you see is people that are good looking.
I had a girlfriend, my first, how we ended there is a mystery, but still, she saw others they were goodlooking, better then me. Why she choosed me if she found them so beautiful? If you choose a person to be inlove with, find someone that beats every one you ever saw in a magazine, that i always do, and i found a girl who no other girl can compete with, there is no magazine or movie star that are more beautiful then she is.... That is how i see a relationship should be built by. But thats just me who thinks like that.
Dont choose a guy or a girl just becouse you dont wanna be alone, choose who are the beautifullest in the world, in heart in soul and in body and face. I did that, and i got one that are above my expectations....
I dont know what else to say, i just dont like those words against me, thats all, i am so sorry for me, for who i am, i truly deeply are sorry.
/Michael
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