Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome

                                        "We who are bout to die, we salut you"
-I need some time to think... Sometimes i dont feel to talk, i dont feel to exist.
Do we need to be so joyful everyday? Do we need to forgett our past? Do we need to move on?
I feel that when i question the past, and i get the answer back; move on that happend before, everybody makes mistakes sometimes... That feels like; I still miss that moment but im sorry it happend, but i have to forgett otherwise i will be bitter just becouse i miss it so much...
I heare bitterness in the words: move on forgett the past...
I dont like hearing that, it makes me sad, it makes me feel number two.
Im doing better today then before, but still today i fall back. Fall down to the middle point of my own earth inside of me.

Have you seen the movie: "The beaver" with Mel Gibson? I feel like that, i feel like i need a beaver where my hand is stuck up in his ass, and let the beaver handle my talking.
I feel i am two persons, this behaviour to be two persons, is "a splitted personality"
I dont know how to tell you my worst behaviour inside of my mind without you pulling up a cross in front of my face and calling me a psycho...
I try to tell you without accusing me being a psycho....
Some nights i have dreams, dreams i remember very clearly, some of them even feels like its trying to tell me things, and some has even become true.
So i am afraid for my dreams.
I am afraid of my mind too, thats the thing that freaks me out if i tell people.
Some days i "heare" voices, i dont heare them like we heare people speak, its more like you heare what you thinking.
I dont create those voices, it just suddenly comes from no where, and tells me a fearytail... And its always of a evil kind, sad kind, dark kind.
Its always something pointed against me.
I give an example my friend; If my girlfriend said to me i love you. Then i do belive her, but fue minutes or maybe half an houer, i get that strange voice starting to tell me that this i love you is just a way to keep me calm, keep me away from the secret that is under my own knowlidge of truth.
Becouse if i found out, yeah people know how i become...
I really hate my self....

People has told me so many times that if i found out the truth, then it would never be good becouse i become the worst kind of human gods eyes has ever seen. People are afraid of telling me the truth becouse they fear their friends life or their own life...
My anger is so destructive, that it can kill a person, it can kill my self too.
I become a diffrent man then i am, when i get angry. Its like i drop the reins that holds me, and i cant controll my self.
I really need anger management.
I have been so destroyed by friends and old girlfriends that telling me one thing and doing other things, ive been so destroyed by that so i have so hard to trust people again.
People created my splitted personality. This voice inside of me is so strong, even if i fight it and dont bother over it, it tears me apart and wins over me, and when i letted that voice out when i told the world what it said, then it dissepeares and leaves a war behind it self, a war i have to deal with and solve, becouse i became so angry that i really hurted people and when that voice is gone its like i snap up from a spell i was under and im not aware of what i have been telling and accusing people for, suddenly i realize it all was false accuses. Then i have to clear that mess up. And only me knows why i behaved as i did, and even if i tell nobody will ever belive me.
If you ask me who that voice is then i would say its the DEVIL him self, iknow that is the devil, but people dont belive in that. But iknow becouse its me whos going thrue that.
Poeple say oh i belive in god, and his work of miracles. But when a guy sais that he has seen the devils deeds and heares his voice, then hes just a psycho who needs a shrink... You cant belive in god if you dont belive in the devil. If there is a god there is a devil too, even the bible said that. So people likes to belive in what they wanna belive, but when a guy comes and sais that he heares the devil, then he needs a shrink....

I wanna stop caring, stop loving, stop talking to people. And if they really love me care for me are interrested in me, then they come to me and work hard to want me around them. But i cant do that, i cant stop caring i cant stop loving...
I think im trying to punish my self, for things i did i try to blame on others. I look after failiers in people, but i never see my own failiers i do.
I wonder if people really would miss me if i died? I mean really in their silent mind suddenly in their work stop a while and think of me how wonderful i was, or will people firgett me?
Can i be loved? Am i worthy enough to be loved, or am i a guy who can be loved same time another guy is loved by same girl?
Everybody see who i am, they see my eyes they see my nose my body the way i walk... I am somebody to everybody, but for me i am nobody.
I dont know who i really are, i forgot my self inside of me. I feel so empty inside of me.
What happend with me?
Right now, im being teared apart inside of me, becouse i feel i am not loved, i feel that i am being fooled...
Am i so dangerous that people dont dare to tell me things directly, that they dont dare to tell me the real truth becouse they fear when i get angry? Are they so afraid of their life, their friends life that they lie to me rather then giving me the truth?

I wanna forgett my self, i wanna be somebody else. I really concidering to start rebuilding my self.
I wanna be a new person, reboot my self.
But how do a human do to become a diffrent guy?
Yeah thats it.... I think i am going to change my self to a person that is perfectly designed for me. A guy who is nothing more then perfect, a guy who is totally opposit to what i am today...

Its not up to me to find out....

"It was we who fought for our countryes, it was we who fought for what we belive that lost the land we once deared to love..."

Many times i wonder where i am, many times i wondered if i walk the right path in life.
People never understood the rising of my new day, people liked to misunderstand my word.
I never asked you to hold my heart, i never asked you to come, i only asked you to talk with clean tounge.

Even the slightest word and sentence can cut your tounge in 2 parts and shake like it does at a snake.
Snakes tounge is in two parts, and it shakes when it talks.
I sleep on my pillow that is clean from misery, iknow my tounge is whole. Thou i speak only from my heart and dont hide the slightest of story to be told.

Its so easy to hide a thing just for the beliving it can save something that rocks your heart, but eventually it will all be confest infront of god, and then it can never be saved. Thats why we get time from god to tell those things to those who means the world to us.

People hide the smallest thing, just becouse they think it can save something...
The bitter sweet taste of truth is that it never saves anything, it only makes it worser, and in the end you loose harder then you imagined.

A small thing for you, but a huge thing for me. A huge thing for me, a small thing for you...
Does it matter? Is it right to hide small things? Is it right to hide big things?
The answer is always NO!

I dont do things that i hate you doing. I dont sit and say one thing and do another thing.
Just becouse i belive in the truth between two people...
If i say: I dont do that... Then i really mean that, i dont do that, not even the slightest.
If i keep this spirit alive from my side, then i count on that i am wellcomed in the same way.
How can iknow, i can only trust the open word...
Trust a open word, yeah that is hard when you know that the open word has before ment a open lie to me.

I tell you a story from my life, and this is true story.
-I once knew a girl, who i was with.
Everything was good, until i realized that everything she did, everything she said, was 50% true and 50% a lie.
She never saw that texting people and saying: no i dont do that i told you that already...
That sentence i belived in with my whole heart.
But as i said, when we confess infront of god, by that when the truth comes out, then it will hurt.
Yea it did hurt, I DUMPED HER...

Just becouse of that small thing, and it was not even lovers that she texted... IT WAS HER FRIENDS.
But she hided that from me just becouse she thought that telling me she no longer talk to them, and does that behind my back, made me dump her. WHY???

Becouse if i cant trust her in that small thing, then i cant trust her in bigger things. I just couldent trust her...
Its not up to me to find out the truth, its for her TO TELL ME before it goes too far, before the days goes before the years goes and i dont know anything bout that.

Even how much i love, i can never be with a girl who chooses to hide even the smallest thing....
I can love i can be kind but if i am treated diffrently then i treat her, then.... BYE BYE FOR GOOD!!!!

Its not up to me to find out the truth, its for her to tell me directly....