The poisend rain over the mind fields...

Diplomas on the wall, all it took was patience.
Say your lyrics and tell your story...
Everything you belive in everything you dared for, is all in a box you wrapped up.
Im blowing up like C4`s, and questionning you.
Truth is somewhere in the middle.

Im loving you so much that i lit my C4`s before i even had the time to ask my self "why"...
Why you following me for Nigga, why you harrazing me with running thoughts and dreams from hell?
Rain so poisen falling down in my mind, poisenning the only thing i thought was clean as a new washed sheet; my love...

I dont put diplomas on the wall, becouse the soldier i am, i try to survive in this cold hearted world.
Sometimes i spend more dollars on a world i thought i understood, but i guess i was wrong.
Broad cast my life in a TV-show and you have noone to watch, broadcast my life in a young womans heart and you find Mr hate as a wiever.
I tryed to broad cast the new channel called: Comedian romance in her heart, but i doomed with that, i never managed. Becouse my C4`s were too sensitive...
I exploded too early, i destroyed the willage in Sarajevo too fast...

I hit, and then i ask who you are... I dont see love in my eyes when i meet my opponent in my mirror when im standing alone in that room infront of that mirror.
I see hate, hate towards me.

I told so many lyrics to you so i forgot the important line: I love you.
No i am not my self, something went wrong in my system, awfully wrong.
Im leaving now for one reason, to escape me...
I dont leave you, but im leaving becouse i have to dissepeare a while before i destroy you.

I hate the thought that i would destroy you, i hate it becouse iknow i have that power.

I love you too much to hurt you, but my story tells i hurted you.
I rather not breath now, i rather not live right now.

i wanna broadcast my final show, maybe here where no one see me, no one reads this so its a good plattform to run it here...
But then again, my TV-show never had any wievers.... not even love liked to follow me more then a day or two...

My decission to dissepeare is a choise i have to do, its a choise i need to do, to save the future i planned so carefully the past 1.9 years...
Can i save something that might be dead by dissepearing? Iknow i destroyed it by my C4`s...
Iknow it was all me to blame... I admitt, and accept that im defeated...
Iknow satan had a part in this, but its still me whos running my engines....

So, im running my last show here now, this night, this very late eavning... Maybe not my last show forever, but still my last show spoken thrue a mighty poets words....
So my show tells you the lyrics; I did wrong, and admitt my defeat. I exploded killed you, but not becouse i enjoyed it, i hated it becouse i love you. I saw my mistake, and thats why im dissepearing, to let you heale and maybe, just MAYBE... i can save something that can bloom one winters day in December...

Can i ask you something?...?...?...
Do you love me like before?

Becouse i have one single diploma on my wall, and it is that one where it sais what i have done that i am most proud over, and if you read my hand writing on that diploma, it sais that the most thing i ever were proud over, was that i loved you and still love you so much forever and ever....... Just one diploma on my wall, thats all i need........

"Sing for me one last time so i can lie in your arms and know that i will die in peace"

// Michael J (not Jacksson)

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome

                                        "We who are bout to die, we salut you"
-I need some time to think... Sometimes i dont feel to talk, i dont feel to exist.
Do we need to be so joyful everyday? Do we need to forgett our past? Do we need to move on?
I feel that when i question the past, and i get the answer back; move on that happend before, everybody makes mistakes sometimes... That feels like; I still miss that moment but im sorry it happend, but i have to forgett otherwise i will be bitter just becouse i miss it so much...
I heare bitterness in the words: move on forgett the past...
I dont like hearing that, it makes me sad, it makes me feel number two.
Im doing better today then before, but still today i fall back. Fall down to the middle point of my own earth inside of me.

Have you seen the movie: "The beaver" with Mel Gibson? I feel like that, i feel like i need a beaver where my hand is stuck up in his ass, and let the beaver handle my talking.
I feel i am two persons, this behaviour to be two persons, is "a splitted personality"
I dont know how to tell you my worst behaviour inside of my mind without you pulling up a cross in front of my face and calling me a psycho...
I try to tell you without accusing me being a psycho....
Some nights i have dreams, dreams i remember very clearly, some of them even feels like its trying to tell me things, and some has even become true.
So i am afraid for my dreams.
I am afraid of my mind too, thats the thing that freaks me out if i tell people.
Some days i "heare" voices, i dont heare them like we heare people speak, its more like you heare what you thinking.
I dont create those voices, it just suddenly comes from no where, and tells me a fearytail... And its always of a evil kind, sad kind, dark kind.
Its always something pointed against me.
I give an example my friend; If my girlfriend said to me i love you. Then i do belive her, but fue minutes or maybe half an houer, i get that strange voice starting to tell me that this i love you is just a way to keep me calm, keep me away from the secret that is under my own knowlidge of truth.
Becouse if i found out, yeah people know how i become...
I really hate my self....

People has told me so many times that if i found out the truth, then it would never be good becouse i become the worst kind of human gods eyes has ever seen. People are afraid of telling me the truth becouse they fear their friends life or their own life...
My anger is so destructive, that it can kill a person, it can kill my self too.
I become a diffrent man then i am, when i get angry. Its like i drop the reins that holds me, and i cant controll my self.
I really need anger management.
I have been so destroyed by friends and old girlfriends that telling me one thing and doing other things, ive been so destroyed by that so i have so hard to trust people again.
People created my splitted personality. This voice inside of me is so strong, even if i fight it and dont bother over it, it tears me apart and wins over me, and when i letted that voice out when i told the world what it said, then it dissepeares and leaves a war behind it self, a war i have to deal with and solve, becouse i became so angry that i really hurted people and when that voice is gone its like i snap up from a spell i was under and im not aware of what i have been telling and accusing people for, suddenly i realize it all was false accuses. Then i have to clear that mess up. And only me knows why i behaved as i did, and even if i tell nobody will ever belive me.
If you ask me who that voice is then i would say its the DEVIL him self, iknow that is the devil, but people dont belive in that. But iknow becouse its me whos going thrue that.
Poeple say oh i belive in god, and his work of miracles. But when a guy sais that he has seen the devils deeds and heares his voice, then hes just a psycho who needs a shrink... You cant belive in god if you dont belive in the devil. If there is a god there is a devil too, even the bible said that. So people likes to belive in what they wanna belive, but when a guy comes and sais that he heares the devil, then he needs a shrink....

I wanna stop caring, stop loving, stop talking to people. And if they really love me care for me are interrested in me, then they come to me and work hard to want me around them. But i cant do that, i cant stop caring i cant stop loving...
I think im trying to punish my self, for things i did i try to blame on others. I look after failiers in people, but i never see my own failiers i do.
I wonder if people really would miss me if i died? I mean really in their silent mind suddenly in their work stop a while and think of me how wonderful i was, or will people firgett me?
Can i be loved? Am i worthy enough to be loved, or am i a guy who can be loved same time another guy is loved by same girl?
Everybody see who i am, they see my eyes they see my nose my body the way i walk... I am somebody to everybody, but for me i am nobody.
I dont know who i really are, i forgot my self inside of me. I feel so empty inside of me.
What happend with me?
Right now, im being teared apart inside of me, becouse i feel i am not loved, i feel that i am being fooled...
Am i so dangerous that people dont dare to tell me things directly, that they dont dare to tell me the real truth becouse they fear when i get angry? Are they so afraid of their life, their friends life that they lie to me rather then giving me the truth?

I wanna forgett my self, i wanna be somebody else. I really concidering to start rebuilding my self.
I wanna be a new person, reboot my self.
But how do a human do to become a diffrent guy?
Yeah thats it.... I think i am going to change my self to a person that is perfectly designed for me. A guy who is nothing more then perfect, a guy who is totally opposit to what i am today...

Its not up to me to find out....

"It was we who fought for our countryes, it was we who fought for what we belive that lost the land we once deared to love..."

Many times i wonder where i am, many times i wondered if i walk the right path in life.
People never understood the rising of my new day, people liked to misunderstand my word.
I never asked you to hold my heart, i never asked you to come, i only asked you to talk with clean tounge.

Even the slightest word and sentence can cut your tounge in 2 parts and shake like it does at a snake.
Snakes tounge is in two parts, and it shakes when it talks.
I sleep on my pillow that is clean from misery, iknow my tounge is whole. Thou i speak only from my heart and dont hide the slightest of story to be told.

Its so easy to hide a thing just for the beliving it can save something that rocks your heart, but eventually it will all be confest infront of god, and then it can never be saved. Thats why we get time from god to tell those things to those who means the world to us.

People hide the smallest thing, just becouse they think it can save something...
The bitter sweet taste of truth is that it never saves anything, it only makes it worser, and in the end you loose harder then you imagined.

A small thing for you, but a huge thing for me. A huge thing for me, a small thing for you...
Does it matter? Is it right to hide small things? Is it right to hide big things?
The answer is always NO!

I dont do things that i hate you doing. I dont sit and say one thing and do another thing.
Just becouse i belive in the truth between two people...
If i say: I dont do that... Then i really mean that, i dont do that, not even the slightest.
If i keep this spirit alive from my side, then i count on that i am wellcomed in the same way.
How can iknow, i can only trust the open word...
Trust a open word, yeah that is hard when you know that the open word has before ment a open lie to me.

I tell you a story from my life, and this is true story.
-I once knew a girl, who i was with.
Everything was good, until i realized that everything she did, everything she said, was 50% true and 50% a lie.
She never saw that texting people and saying: no i dont do that i told you that already...
That sentence i belived in with my whole heart.
But as i said, when we confess infront of god, by that when the truth comes out, then it will hurt.
Yea it did hurt, I DUMPED HER...

Just becouse of that small thing, and it was not even lovers that she texted... IT WAS HER FRIENDS.
But she hided that from me just becouse she thought that telling me she no longer talk to them, and does that behind my back, made me dump her. WHY???

Becouse if i cant trust her in that small thing, then i cant trust her in bigger things. I just couldent trust her...
Its not up to me to find out the truth, its for her TO TELL ME before it goes too far, before the days goes before the years goes and i dont know anything bout that.

Even how much i love, i can never be with a girl who chooses to hide even the smallest thing....
I can love i can be kind but if i am treated diffrently then i treat her, then.... BYE BYE FOR GOOD!!!!

Its not up to me to find out the truth, its for her to tell me directly....

Pearl white skin

I watched you from behind that curtain. I watched how you looked at that fire that burned like the desire in devils soul.
I enjoyed every second of seing you be drawn to that flame, that burning flame.
My hunger after your skin, made me feel more dangerous to my self, i smiled.
My hunger after seing your blood stream down on your pearl white skin, it made me smile even more...

Tasting your blood while my sexual hunger drills my manhood inside of your vulva while my tounge edge is caressing your dark red blood, tasting imagenning as it would be the sweetest strawberry jam my desire ever knew.

I stared at you, from behind the curtains. With hunger after your pearl white body, seing the pain and pleasure in your eyes while my hunger after more nursed my soul.
My breath was like a dark echoe in the candle light that had its dance that eavning.
I smiled even more, knowing that soon your life would be totally in my power.

Tounge of mine, it touched, caressed my lips like it would have seen the tastyest honey it ever felt.
Feeling of wanting you now, needing you now, became stronger. And soon we would dance the devils dance and let the future be painted in red.

I watched you, and iknew that this was not the first, or last time i did that...

Scream until you no longer hurl

Please dont go round wondering why, becouse its not that bad.
Please dont read that letter, you deserve a better ending then that letter gave you.
Remember when i rescued you from drowning, and ripped every picture of you from the wall?
I like you, yea well i got to go now, but i like you, more then you ever can suffecate me.

Its not that bad after all, you are pregnant and all, oh shit i must have missed the show.
I think you need some counsling, i think you and your girlfriend need each other, more then that inspiering picture on the wall.
My inspiration is you, screaming in the trunk of my car.
Your screames is inspiering, it makes me think when i was so alone and no one could heare me.

Why you so fucked up sad? Hey girl, smile i could have killed you directly, but be happy i needed that moment to heare you scream.
My arms are like palms of fire, everybodys choking eating gravity, saying no to angel songs.
I only said no to heare you bleed, i saved that to him.

You only get one shoot, one chanse, and you never took it, you blew it away.
I bearly know my father, bearly know my daughter, oh was it you who i fucked? There you see i bearly know you.

This opportunity only comes once, in hard times, maybe thats why you screamed as your mother did when she gave you birth.
mama i love you but my train ran over you, not becouse i missed the track, becouse you missed one tone higher to scream. I hate when you dont scream so good when i choke you, so thats why i did it twice... CHOKED you bitch!!!!!! You heare as lousy as my father fucked, why he was a lousy lover? Well he made me and he dident even manage to get my mother swallow me, iguess thats how they did in 70s.

Babysit me?  Straight from my heart, KISS MY DICK!!!!
Ill buy you ice, and i do know one thing yo! Just sit your drunk ass on that runway ho.

I can be your superman, dont get me wrong, i dont save you.
I dont wanna flip the coin, i dont wanna say i trust you, i do one thing thou: Bitches they come and go, but your scream sounds like a ho!!!

I wanna save you girl, but you make me hurl... Dont play marshall with me, just rott in peace, thats my arsenal.
Good lord you want but you cant have, dont grab what you cant have, girl you just blew your chanse.

Maybe i love you one day, but for now, scream until you no longer sound like a ho, then iknow you are a good girl.

Bitch you make me hurl........

I am the one that dissepeared

We are the once that dissepeared. I am the one that burned.
I have deleted my memories, as the ashes that lies silent right next to my soul..
Everything will be to the end, one day.... one day...

Let us escape, far from here, let us be those who dissepeared.
Let us escape the worthy lack of memories that you spitted on.
We know, everybody knows... That one day somewhere in the room, it will all be to the end.

I was standing still, my teddy was hanging there in my arm, telling me i need help.
Flames already helped me.
I will never be my self again, never again....

Im tired of your nag, of your fucking nagging. I will never be my self more.
I am standing here in the flames, and i need help.
I smile becouse the flames ate me alive, but i smiled.

I am, one of them who dissepeared. One of them who dissepeared....
Tattoo of the match boy on that package was melting down, in one yellow blue fire flame.
One of those who dissepeared, one of those rejected once.

I am my own destiny, i am one of a kind, still the same i was when i died.
I am my own retardness dream, whats in my head is a big secret, a secret that was allso one of them who dissepeared.

I am stupid, i am retarded, i am fucked up, i am the one that is easy to hate, hard to love, and i smile.
I smile becouse i am burning in your eyes, i smile becouse i will never be my self in your eyes.
Crows fly over my corp, crows smile with their eyes of black hateful lies.

I am the one that dissepeared.....

LOVE is just a word, its whats behind it that spooks

-When you know that something is so right, but feel that something is awfully wrong.
What do you do, what do you do....?

When you know exactley wich way head against, but you still think what if something goes wrong....?
When everything in you tells you that its all good its ok dont worry....
But you still have that voice inside of you that whispers: Dont take anything for granted, one day you see that you failed...

We can count so many feelings, we can count so many times we failed and still dont remember the digit we came up with according to all those times we failed, thats called being human.
If we dont learn from our misstakes, were still human beings, but we are foolish people.

Is it right to go around worrying too much? If we live with the word: What if...
Then i would wanna ask, am i healthy, will i manage to live a happy life? No, if we live in the fear: what if...
Then we live with a burden, and god dont want us to have burdens in our life.

What is it that gives the relationship its name? Is it just the name? Or is it what its built of?

May i ask you one thing, and can you please answer me with true heart? What is LOVE for you, and how do you think a relationship between two people, partners in life, should be?

I have asked that alot from people, and i got always the same answer: Be true and honest to each other.
Now if everyone sais this, so why then i see them do opposit, how come i see them NOT be true and honest?
Faithfull is one of the favourite words too, but do i see that by them who speaks this? No.... I dont see that what they are speaking bout.

A blind man cant see, its the same if a blind man suddenly say: Hey did you see that TV show on channel one?
Its as rediculus as that when a person speaks that he or she is so faithfull and true and honest, when they aint that.

Should i be bothering bout this? No i should not, but something keeps me up late at nights in my heart and just keeps the fire burning.
I am the worrying kind of human, i am the one that thinks alot, are often one step before others.
Just becouse i protect my self from getting hurt, if i am there before them and surprice them, then they cant be able to say, i never did that.

I have two choises, just like you all have; i can bother bout it all, or let it just go with the flow, sure the days become easyer to live if i just go with the flow, but i am not calm under the surface. Or i can try have full controll of things that happends around me, and be calm, but it takes so much energy to be that one that keeps the situation round you in controll.

So when i think of my choises, i get one solution, one choise i wanna take, and that is to die, becouse i dont need or want to have full controll whats going on around me becouse i fear of being hurt and fooled, i wanna relax, but still i feel that if i just let things go with the flow, i might be taken as something very easy to fool becouse im blind and dont see what goes around me.
So yes i choose the death.

I have studyed the human being, and ive seen, mostly girls, they say that they love there boyfriend or husband, but they need something that her hubby cant give them in their life, so they have another guy to have those games you have in the bedroom, and they never see that they do anything wrong, becouse they love their husband and they only want to fill up what her hubby cant give them.
Excuse me i think i have to go and puke, and shower my self now becouse i feel raped, dirty and very cheep...
I HATE that way of thinking, this is why i need to have controll of what goes around me, becouse i am terrified to end up as the guy whos loved so much, but she searches after something i cant give, in another person.  That would freak me out, totally destroy me. I belive you get your self a partner just becouse YOU KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, that in the late late laaate LATE future, he or she can and will still fill up every need you have in your body and desire. That my friend is what getting your self a partner means that is what a relationship is: TRUSTING, HONESTY, UNDERSTANDING, FORGIVNESS, HAPPYNESS, SADNESS, COMUNICATION, BELIFE, SEX, BEING THERE, and L O V E!!!!!
There you have what a relationship is made of and what it is, its not a word, its a activity that is fresh and needs to be nursed and taken care of or it will die instantly.

So love is more then just love, its so much more then just just love...